drew olanoff dot com.

...And then the fog lifts.

The best way to explain how I feel after ever chemo treatment is like getting the flu every other week.

Vomiting, insomnia, sniffles, chills, hot flashes, yuckiness, crappiness, muckyness.

And then after a few days, the fog would lift a bit, and every day after that I’d feel a bit better.   Then on my off chemo week I’d take off somewhere else.  Not feeling perfect, but feeling good enough.

I have never said no to anything since being diagnosed.  I have spoken at both 140 conferneces, NY and LA, I’ve spoken at Blog World, co-emcee’d the LIVESTONG challenge with Ethan, and more stuff that I can’t remember.  Blame the chemo brain.

Just now, I feel the fog lifting again.  A familiar feeling.

Except this time…

It’s for longer than a week.

Think about all of the stuff we’ve accomplished in the past 6 months together.  Now think about the next 6 months where I start to feel like myself again.

We kicked cancer in the nuts, now we’re going for the final blow.

You’ve gotten me through so much, I can’t even begin to verbalize it.  I’ll find a way soon as I start feeling better, I promise.

I can’t thank you enough, and you know who you are.  Everyone who has tweeted, blamed, donated, shared a story, cried with me on the phone…we’re just getting started.

That's not what I ordered...

…So I sent it back.

I get emotional every time I think about those words.   I’ve waited to type them for months.

May 20th I sat in front of my Dr. while he told me that my life was about to take a detour.  I knew from the phone call that it wasn’t good.

Today, November 2nd, I sat there while he told me I was done.

This was my last treatment.  12 of 12.

12 visits every 2 weeks where I knew walking in that I was about to get my ass kicked.  I’d go home and vomit, hate the smell of food.  Not wanting people to even touch me or hug me.

But I made it.  With your help.

You can call me crazy, or call me stupid…but this whole blaming thing worked.  The power of positive energy, the power of distraction, the power of community, the power of support, the power of love.  It worked.  It made my cancer go away for good.

Treatment alone wasn’t enough, I firmly believe that.  There were moments where I could literally feel myself being pulled into depression.  Moments that I didn’t want to do this shit anymore.   Moments that I was ready to pack it in, never talk to anyone again and be pathetic.

But you wouldn’t let me.

14,077 People Have Blamed my cancer for 34,123 Things.

Fourteen THOUSAND.  How many of those people do I actually know?  Maybe a few hundred.  How amazing is that?  34,123 times, the word cancer was spoken out loud and in a very public place on Twitter.

Cancer can’t hide anymore, we’ve made sure of that.   We’ve got to keep the good work going.

I need a vacation badly, just some time to unwind and heal.   But our organization Blame Cancer is entering the phases of reality.  All of you are helping us form it and shape it.

I just got home from chemo but I wanted to write this and say thank you from the bottom of my heart.  For everything.

Cancer has no idea how in trouble it is.  Ya see, in 2 weeks, I don’t have to get chemo…so that means my body and brain will be healed that much more.  And I’ll recover from the chemo brain and the aches and pains.   And I’ll get closer to 100%.  We kicked cancers ass while I was about 40%, imagine what we’ll do now.

It’s good to be alive, and it’s good to have all of you as friends.

I love you.

<3<3<3

PS. In the coming days/weeks I’ll be personally thanking all of you.  It’s time for me to rest up a bit.

Round 12 with Ivan Drago - tomorrow.

11 of 12 chemo treatments done. 12 of 12 tomorrow. Every single one being it’s own war with it’s own surprises, frustrations, panics, fears.

Tomorrow I get to say “no more” and have my wish granted.

Sometimes when I was alone in bed and hurting I’d cry “no more” over and over. It was my “why me”. I felt more in control saying no more though.

The thought of chemo makes me smell chemicals. Think of that weird choking feeling I get in my throat when the toxic meds are pushed into my system.

No more.

Tomorrow I’m done. It’s going to take a while to heal mentally and physically. For 12 treatments my body has been torn apart without healing. I’m looking forward to healing.

But it will take time.

Tomorrows a big day but there are people on my mind who haven’t been as lucky. I will battle cancer for the rest of my life whether I have it or not.

I made that promise to myself the day I was diagnosed.

I #blamedrewscancer for doing a shitty job of trying to take me out. You’re mine.

Tweeting strong.

Tonight on Twitter, we’re sharing stories with one another.  Some of them sad.  But they are a reality.  We’re losing loved ones…friends, moms, dads, daughters, sons to this horrible disease cancer.

Failure is not an option, we must fight.