23rd
5 months in 5 minutes.
I ask myself that quite a bit lately.
On May 20th, I was diagnosed with Hodgkins. Phase one was “holy shit how am I going to survive this”. I assumed I would, hoped I would, but who knew.
After that, it’s all been a blur.
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going half the time. I’ve racked up more flying miles than I ever have in my life. How I haven’t gotten a cold or flu is beyond me. I don’t question these things anymore.
I’ve spoken in front of a ton of people who have lost friends, family members, and loved ones to a shit-tastic disease that once you’re diagnosed with it, it tries to own you.
It really does. From the treatments, to your mindset, once cancer is introduced into your life it’s cancer 24/7.
While everything has been a blur, I’ve felt every second of it.
I’m personally sick of it.
While I may come off like a complete asshat who doesn’t appreciate anything (which is not the case), I literally haven’t been able to enjoy a moment in 5 months without that stupid little cancer sitting right there saying “remember me, yep, i own you”. I of course chose to fight back and make cancer my bitch. But it’s a pesky bastard and on some days it gets the better of me…in a big way.
Not a dinner, or an ice cream cone, or a movie, or a Phillies National League title goes by without me getting the complete chills down my spine reminding me that I am forever changed. It’s scary.
So many positive things are happening but I don’t have the time or the energy to properly appreciate them. I see a picture of me and Ethan at the LIVESTRONG challenge from like 2 months ago…and I don’t even remember it. Seriously, you could say hey that’s photoshopped and you weren’t there…and I wouldn’t doubt it.
My brain is mush. I have pushed myself to places mentally and physically that I didn’t know existed. I am lucky to have so many people helping me out and pushing things forward with cancer awareness or I’d be dead right now.
That’s seriously no joke.
How can we make this better for other people? I’ve been called naive for trying to raise awareness for cancer research and cures. The dipshits have come out of the woodwork. The pessimists who wish to see success for nobody but themselves have the audacity to inflict that line of thinking when talking about peoples well being.
It has taken its toll. I’m sick of listening to myself sometimes. I question my trips, but I do it anyways.
Why?
Because cancer can and will be beaten. And we’ve got an army to do it. And with any good army, we pick up the fallen soldiers and push forward. One day cancer might get me but at least I have pushed as hard as I can and will continue to push hard so that the next soldier is ready to pick me up and move forward.
And then the battle will be won, and no person will ever have to sit around alone and on the verge of depression in their dirty apartment because they don’t have the energy to get out of bed, feeling like every day is a repeat of the day before like it was the movie Groundhog day, riding a Yo-Yo that is hell on earth like I have.
I have one more treatment. Might as well be 100. I feel like I’m crawling up a mountain blindfolded. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this stupid disease get the best of me.
One million people flocked to follow Ashton Kutcher to beat CNN in the “Race to a Million”. I mean hey, Dude Where’s my Car rocked, but really? Drew Carey is giving us the opportunity to not only raise awareness but raise money (and set a good example for others who can afford to do so) just by following him on Twitter.
Pessimists, I’ll say it one time.
Drew Carey does NOT need Twitter followers.
Drew Carey COULD just give a million to LIVESTRONG if he wanted to, but that news would be old news in 4 hours.
We have to think outside of ourselves and think outside of the box. Great work in cancer research has been done, but we have to step it up. Funding is needed, attention is needed.
Please help and do your part.
If none of that made any sense I #BlameDrewsCancer. And the stupid chemo that has robbed me of most of my cognitive thinking.
